Tips for Surviving a High-Conflict Divorce in Ontario

If you are going through a high-conflict divorce, it might feel like the process is taking over every part of your life.  In addition to your job and trying to manage your children’s day-to-day schedules, you might also be managing:

• constant communication problems or harassment from your Ex
• court appearances and related scheduling challenges
• the fallout in terms of your children’s emotional health
• the mental load of anticipating your Ex’s next move
• unexpected financial strain
• your own emotional exhaustion.

Every Family law case involves stress, but high-conflict divorces are on a whole different level.  They often involve:

• prolonged litigation
• attempts to hide assets or otherwise thwart the legal system
• repeated disagreements
• unfounded allegations
• difficulty reaching even basic decisions.

In some cases, one spouse may intentionally create conflict or attempt to control the process through delay, intimidation, or excessive demands.

What Can You Do, To Help Manage it All?

All of this can quickly become overwhelming.

Although you usually cannot control the behaviour of your Ex, there are practical steps you can take to protect yourself, your children, and your own mental health during the process.

Here are a dozen practical tips that may help you survive a high-conflict divorce in Ontario:

• Keep communication brief, and business-like. If basic communication with your Ex often escalates into arguments, try to treat it like a professional exchange. Keep messages short, factual, and child-focused. Avoid sarcasm, insults, or emotional responses, even if your Ex is provoking you.
• Document important interactions. Keep copies of emails, text messages, financial documents, parenting schedules, and court materials. This is especially important in high-conflict cases, and will help your lawyer respond effectively.
• Try to exercise restraint. It can be tempting to react to every accusation, hostile email, or unreasonable demand. But in high-conflict cases, constant fighting often increases legal costs and emotional fatigue. Try to keep your attention on the bigger picture: reaching a workable resolution and moving forward with your life.
• Pick your battles. Focus on the long-term outcome; some issues might be minor and may not need to be disputed or litigated to the bitter end.
• Consider alternative dispute resolution. Negotiated settlements or mediation may not be feasible for some high-conflict divorces, but don’t rule it out entirely. You and your Ex may at least be able to narrow down the number of issues that need to be resolved by a court.
• Avoid using children as pawns or messengers. Children should never be placed in the middle of adult conflict. Avoid asking them to deliver messages, gather information, or take sides.
• Accept that you may not “win” every issue. Family law cases are rarely about complete victory. In many situations, compromise is unavoidable – and it also saves time, money, and emotional energy.
• Build a strong support system. High-conflict divorce litigation can feel isolating. Trusted friends, family members, therapists, support groups, and financial advisors can all play an important role in helping you manage stress and maintain perspective during the process.
• Be careful on social media. Indiscriminate posts (e.g. about your nasty Ex, the litigation, or your new relationship) can sometimes be used as evidence in court, and may complicate your litigation. The best course is to limit social media activity altogether.
• Work closely with your lawyer. High-conflict litigation often requires careful strategy and consistent documentation. It’s important to be honest, organized, and willing to listen to the advice given.
• Prioritize your physical and mental health. Extended litigation is exhausting. It can take a serious toll on your health, including sleep issues, anxiety, depression – even burnout.  Be sure to keep up your sleep and self-care routines, and include exercise, proper nutrition, and counselling.
• Keep your eye on the prize. Eventually, the conflict with your Ex will come to an end – perhaps even by an early settlement rather than a long, drawn-out trial.   Try to keep this in mind, when the going gets particularly tough.

These tips are only a starting-point. If you are struggling with a high-conflict separation or divorce in Ontario, give our offices a call for some tailored assistance and advice.  Our seasoned Family lawyers are experienced at navigating even the most high-conflict divorce, and can help you understand your rights, obligations, and available options for moving forward.