Subtle Signs of Coercive Control

When people think about Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), they often picture dramatic confrontations, physical altercations, and injuries that are usually visible.

But many abusive relationships leave no physical marks at all. Instead, the abuse takes the form of coercive control, a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, isolate, and control another person over time.

We’ve been talking in recent blogs about the Supreme Court of Canada’s decision in Ahluwalia v. Ahluwahlia, which has brought greater public attention to the topic of coercive control.  The legal implications of that decision continue to evolve.  But it has sparked an important conversation about a question many people have never considered: Would you recognize coercive control, if it were happening to someone you care about?

Subtle and Gradual Signs

Unlike physical violence, coercive control often develops gradually. The changes may be so subtle that family members and close friends dismiss them as ordinary relationship problems. Sometimes, even the person experiencing the abuse does not immediately recognize what is happening.

From an outside observer’s perspective, here are some telltale indicators:

• This is one of the earliest warning signs. A person who was once socially active may suddenly stop seeing friends, attending family gatherings, or participating in activities they once enjoyed. They may always have an explanation, a busy schedule, family commitments, or a partner who prefers to stay home. Over time, however, those relationships begin to disappear.
• Loss of confidence. This is another common indicator. Someone who was once independent and self-assured may become hesitant, apologetic, or reluctant to express an opinion. They may constantly second-guess themselves or seek reassurance before making even minor decisions.
• Approval-seeking. Friends and family may also notice that the person appears to need their partner’s approval for ordinary aspects of daily life. Whether it is making plans, accepting an invitation, spending money, or even responding to a text message, they may seem unusually concerned about how their partner will react.
• Financial control. A person who once managed their own finances may suddenly have no access to bank accounts, credit cards, or household funds. They may be required to justify routine purchases or explain every dollar they spend. In some cases, they become financially dependent despite having previously enjoyed financial independence.
• Another behavioural change is anxiety over everyday decisions. Simple things, like what restaurant to choose, whether to visit family, what to wear, or when to leave the house, may become sources of visible stress. To an outside observer, these questions may appear insignificant, but for someone living in a coercively controlling relationship, even small choices may carry the risk of criticism, conflict, or retaliation.

With that said, it’s important to remember that no single behaviour proves someone is experiencing abuse. People withdraw for many reasons, and financial dependence or anxiety may have entirely unrelated explanations.

But the concern can arise when several of these changes appear together, and they reflect a broader pattern of increasing control by one partner over the other.

How You Can Help Potential Victims

If you notice these warning signs in someone close to you, it’s important to take the right approach. Avoid merely criticizing them or their relationship, or insisting that they simply leave. Instead:

• Let them know you are available to listen without judgment.
• Stay connected. Continue inviting them to family events or social gatherings, even if they frequently decline.
• Small gestures of support can remind someone that they are not alone and that help remains available when they are ready to seek it.

As public awareness of coercive control continues to grow following Ahluwalia, we all have an opportunity to better understand what abuse can look like. It is not always loud, dramatic, or visible. Sometimes it appears as a gradual loss of confidence, independence, and connection with the people who care most.